What I hadn't covered in this writing was the love of self. I believed it to be a form of conceit. "Love thyself" was a term that simply didn't really apply to me. I mean, I see every detail of myself. I found myself really rather annoying. Like. I just wanted to get up and leave the room. But couldn't.
It took finally cutting the toxic people out of my life in order to do so. I may have went to the complete extreme and cut more than I should have, but I'm not known for moderation. It's go big or go home.
In doing so, I've found that the characteristics that they considered faults are actually endearing. I know because I look for the same "faults" in other people. "Oh, you like to say socially unacceptable things? I do too!" "You have a self depreciative sense of humor!Let me tell you about the time I...." "You don't want to socialize and would rather just stay home and read or watch tv while eating cookie dough from the tube instead? OMG BEST FRIDAY NIGHT EVER!"
Five years ago....
I read an Email from a friend about his wife passing away, how he and his daughter held her hand and gave her permission to go home. He told her not to fight for him anymore, to go be with Jesus. How much strength did that take? She was the love of his life, and I realized how much I want that. How much a couple has to fight to stay married. It involves a lot of giving and taking, holding...and letting go. I cried not because she went home, her journey was done. But because of the Love, because I'm sure it hurt so much to say goodbye, yet knowing that was what had to be done.
I went on a walk with my Girls today. I looked around, appreciating their cold kissed cheeks, their dirty muddy coats that meant they had played outside today, Their laughter as they yelled at the turkeys in the field, how much fun they had talking to the Landlords cows that we went over to see. What Humbeled me, was the fact that God himself orchestrated all of this. He knew that I had some stressful things go on, that I could have melted into an anxiety attack, but I chose to look for love, for mercy, for Great things.
